Where Is My Mind?

At 44, you'd think that I have it all put together. Well, at least, that's what I would've expected of myself when I was in my 30s. And sure, in my 20s, I would've expected that I'd have it all figured out in my 30s. And so forth. Is it that with each decade, I am failing at being the best version of myself, or is it that I keep moving the goalposts? It's likely a combination of the two. I guess I'll need to consult with my therapist about that one.

So sure - some of my self-criticism may be up for debate, but there is one area in which I have definitely fallen short of expectations, not only for myself, but from general common sense. That is the prioritization of my health.

As I mentioned in my first post, my stats tell the quick and dirty version of my health story: I have type 2 diabetes, and I weigh 255.8 pounds at a height of 5 feet 6 inches.

Diabetes mellitus runs in my family, but it's a preventable disease. I was severely depressed and ate my way through the years 2016-2017. I gained around 70 pounds during that time, adding inch after inch to my waistline. What did I do in response? I bought bigger clothes, started shopping at Lane Bryant, invested in my makeup and nails... Basically, I did whatever I could to distract myself and others from my weight gain. Somehow, during that time, I didn't get a well exam with labs, so I didn't know that I was prediabetic. Until it was too late.

One day, I realized that I couldn't sate my thirst. No amount of water was enough, and I had to pee all the time. I was lethargic, taking naps every day after work. And then my vision started getting blurry. By the time I went to urgent care in the middle of a work day out of concern that something was really wrong, it was - my blood sugar levels were above 500 mg/dl. If you don't know, that is very, very bad. I immediately got put on insulin, and the rest is history.

I wish I could turn back the clock to age 35, when I was a muscular and fit 175 pounds (I have Clydesdale legs). I wish I could shake that woman and smack her upside the head. But, I can't. Hell, how would things be different had I taken my condition as seriously as it demanded back then and lost the weight? But no. I stayed at around 240-250 pounds until we finally made up our minds to try to conceive in Fall 2018.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I have fluctuated between 225 pounds and 272 pounds over the past eight years. It's long since time that I do something about this uncomfortable (and yet too comfortable) reversible disease of obesity. No, I don't want to overhaul my health simply for the sake of conceiving and carrying my moonshot baby number two. I want to overhaul my health for baby number one, who depends on me to be there for him and set a good example.

Why another child? Weren't you one and done?

This is where I really swallow my pride and admit that we have always wanted more than one child, but were frankly too lazy to get our butts into better shape. That's right - my husband requires a health overhaul, too. I don't know why we acted for the entirety of my son's life thus far as though it wasn't the right time. When's the right time!? Seriously. I know that is such a tired and, frankly, unwelcome refrain among moms to other women, but, for me personally, every year of the past five would have been better than now.

I gave birth to my son at 39. That means when he graduates high school, I'll be 57. I need to live for my son. You never know what could happen, but why should I sit on my hands when I have the power to potentially live another 40 years? Why kneecap my lifespan by 20 more years?

So why now?

Two reasons: 1) Mental health-wise, I finally feel empowered to tackle my weight and improve my diabetes management. With enough work, I can significantly improve my insulin resistance to the point where I can manage it on Metformin alone. 2) Once I considered diabetes "reversal" as an attainable goal, and with some serious heart-to-hearts with my husband, it became a no-brainer to give it a good, last-ditch, give it everything we got effort to bring another Higgs baby into the world. A tearful no-brainer. Because I know we very well may not be successful. Successful or not, adoption is still a consideration. We have a lot of love to give.

It was like the light bulb finally turned on. I finally saw how fleeting life is. Do you know that scene in Home Alone where they realize they've slept in and everyone is running around like crazy because they have to make that plane to Paris? That's how I feel right now. I'm trying not to beat myself up about having delayed this process so long, because I honestly beat myself up about things enough already. I am trying my best to be Zen about it. Really. Zen, but focused. That's a thing, right? Yes, yes it is.

What are you doing about it? What's your plan?

Weight loss is top of mind. I'm no fertility expert, but I know from studies I've reviewed and from my fave book on the subject (The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant by Jean Twenge) that a higher body mass index can negatively impact both fertility and the prenatal process. The first thing I'm doing is focusing on making healthier foods in smaller portions for my husband and me. We have been relying so much on takeout and delivery food that it's not only bad from a physical health perspective, but from a financial health perspective, as well.

We are going to do calories-in-calories-out (CICO) with higher protein and lower carbohydrates. I'm not going to sweat the macros too hard to start, but that may change as I see how much progress we're making. I have figured out how many calories I need and how hard I need to exercise in order to meet my first goal of 40 pounds lost by March 15, 2026 via the NIDDK NIH Bodyweight Planner. If you are looking to lose some pounds and wanna get all science-y about it, check it out.

I mentioned that I know how hard I need to work out. Yes - I'm well aware that 80-90% of weight loss happens in the kitchen. I still want to regain my former athleticism. I used to be a beast! At the very least, keeping up with my son is a no-brainer. Plus, I miss how it felt to be strong and to strive for strength gains. That was fun. We have a home gym that is getting dusty, so it's time to dust it off. I'll be doing that using the ongoing program, Stronger by the Day, which Meg Gallagher of @megsquats on Instagram developed. I am so sold on this program, even though I know it'll be a challenge since I haven't lifted seriously in nine years. I hope that it'll be like a sweatier version of riding a bike. I'll also be doing the 10 Rounds program on BODi, and aiming for 6,000-8,000 steps per day to start.

I will be tracking my inches lost and pounds lost the whole way. I need to make sure I don't get disheartened and see progress as it is happening.

The rest is just supplements recommended in It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett and The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant by Jean Twenge. Jean Twenge's recommendations worked for me conceiving at 38, so I'm back for another round.

I Hope You'll Stick Around

I'm documenting my journey not just for myself, but for anyone else out there who feels alone or crazy for wanting their first, or even their third, above the age of 40. I hope not to get heartbroken, but that's certainly a possibility. I am going to keep it real on this blog, whatever happens.